Pettitte took HGH to strengthen relationship with God

TAMPA, FL — An emotional Andy Pettite addressed reporters Tuesday at Yankees camp, telling them that he took human growth hormone only a couple of times, and that in all cases it was to strengthen his bonds with God.

“Honestly, I thought I was doing the right thing,” Pettite said. “I felt like I had invented charity, or kind feeling. You know, like some crazy new way to make yourself as one with God… I really thought I had something.”

Pettite does not remember specifically how he came to understand that HGH would strengthen his bonds with God, but says the proof is in the pudding.

“I took the HGH, and I felt close with God,” Pettite said. “So I asked God to help me recover from my injury. And you know what? He helped me, he helped me a lot. So I took some more HGH and I asked God to give me some extra heat on my fastball. Well, he gave me about three or four miles per hour. So since then, I’m a believer. HGH and God go hand in hand.”

Pettite went on to say that since then, he has continued to take HGH and ask God for any number of things; including less soreness after starts, more stamina late in games, and even a longer, more financially lucrative career. On all matters, God has obliged.

“Let’s face it, this is an amazing story, this story of HGH,” Pettite said. “But it should not be considered a sad tale, or a dark chapter, no sir. When the Lord shines his light, he shines it strong, and we should all look to the heavens and give thanks for the chance to bask in it, 16 wins at a time.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!