Paige fervently contesting Around the Horn record

DENVER, CO — Loudmouth, on-again, off-again Denver Post columnist and ESPN personality Woody Paige claims his won-loss record on the hit show Around the Horn has been grossly and deliberately misrepresented, calling the source of the problem “a little something more than just human error.” Paige, who left his original position in Denver to work exclusively for ESPN, only to return to writing two years later, says he has been deprived of nearly 40 victories on the popular program that pits sports writers against one another in a debate-style format. “I know who’s behind this – it’s that pretty boy bitch, Tony Reali,” Paige told SSNN. “Just because I’m not as attractive as Jay Mariotti, Michael Smith or Tim Cowlishaw, he feels he can rob me of my integrity by diminishing my accomplishments. Reali wouldn’t know integrity if it was wearing a G-string and four-inch heels, shaking it’s ass in his face.” Reali – the host of ATH who was hired for his youthful, playboy image – has been the subject of rumors in the past that he fixes the results of the show by allegedly assigning valuable points to participants he deems “more his age,” and “not named Woody Paige.” “I should punch that kid in his fat, Italian nose,” the 62 year-old Paige said. “I did not work my tail off for the last 35 years so some no-telling mama’s boy could tear me down because he wants to ‘hook his boys up.’”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!