Nolan Ryan celebrates new job by beating the crap out of Jon Daniels

ARLINGTON, TX — Sixty-plus years on this great planet have done nothing to quell the fire that burns within Nolan Ryan, as the flamethrowing right-hander was welcomed into his new job as president of the Texas Rangers Thursday.

Job number one on his list? Find GM Jon Daniels and beat the crap out of him.

Ryan stalked through the halls of the Ballpark at Arlington for over an hour before finally running into Daniels. Ryan extended his hand in a fake handshake motion. When Daniels stepped in to accept the shake, Ryan quickly sidestepped, threw the 30-year-old wunderkind into a headlock, and proceeded to mercilessly pound him on the head.

A video of the fisticuffs was taken and quickly placed on YouTube, where it remained for several hours before it was taken down.

Daniels said there are no hard feelings. “Apparently Nolan felt I was trying to charge him, which I don’t really understand, but it’s okay,” Daniels said. “Maybe I intimidated him or scared him a bit. So he wanted to try and sort of establish where we were, as buddies. No harm, no foul.”

Rangers’ owner Tom Hicks has asked Ryan not to beat up any more employees. “It was hilarious when he did it to Robin Ventura,” Hicks said. “But that was a long time ago, and Robin was on the other team. This is a little bit different.”

Ryan, for his part, has agreed that he’ll try not to beat up Daniels anymore. “I mean, I’m gonna try,” Ryan said. “I’ll definitely try. But you know how a bull will just go after you, whether you’re smiling or not? Well, that’s me. I see someone 32 or younger, and I just snap. People should get their asses beat for being 29, as far as I’m concerned.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!