NCAA to strip UCLA of at least seven titles

LOS ANGELES, CA — Perhaps the most dominant run for any one team in any sport will soon become tarnished. At the urging of jealous university presidents across the country, the NCAA has decided to strip the UCLA Bruins of up to ten of its eleven national championships, including all seven the school earned in succession under legendary coach John Wooden and myriad future NBA stars. NCAA President Myles Brand told SSNN that he has been receiving phone calls from administrators of several smaller schools who resent the fact that “the big boys get to have all the fun,” and believe “it’s totally not fair” that their teams will never have the talent to win a national title. “Not to take away from what coach Wooden and his players accomplished, but it is definitely time to level the playing field by letting some of the smaller kids sit at the grown-up table, so to speak,” Brand said. While it is still unclear which schools will receive what are being called “hand-me-down championships,” there is a strong suspicion that tiny George Mason University might be granted two titles since it was so close in 2006, making an improbable run to the Final Four. “I honestly believe this is the right thing to do,” Brand added. “The time has come to spread the wealth. We’re actually considering instituting the same plan in college football. It would be nice to pardon a school like Ohio State for all those national championship embarrassments.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!