Mets sign Ashton Kutcher as punking coach

NEW YORK, NY — After concern spread throughout the front office that their clubhouse atmosphere was fast falling behind that of division rival Philadelphia Phillies, the New York Mets have signed Ashton Kutcher as their Director of Punking.

“We saw the great punk that the Phillies pulled on Kyle Kendrick, and we realized that in order to keep pace in the National League, we were going to need to do something as well,” said General Manager Omar Minaya. “So we decided to bring on Ashton, in hopes of avoiding an even more epic collapse this year. I mean, the bottom line is that we want to be the best at every position on the field, and that includes punking the crap out of our players. So we think this is going to be pretty good.”

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Even though he’s joining a team that starts at a considerable disadvantage in the punking department, Kutcher thinks that he’s in a good situation.

“The Phillies did a lot of things well in that punk, but there were also a lot of holes,” the self-described “G.O.A.T. of punking” explained to SSNN. “There were a couple of places where they could’ve really stuck it to him and they didn’t. I mean, he wasn’t even crying. I bet Justin Timberlake wishes that he played for the Phillies.”

Philadelphia’s punking architects stand by their first attempt, and believe they will only improve as time goes on.

“This wasn’t really our Timberlake, though,” Phillies manager Charlie Manuel said. “We didn’t exactly go for broke on our first punk – we’re still looking to find our punking groove. This was more on the Frankie Muniz level; but don’t worry, we’ll build on it. The good news is, we’re only going to improve: Jimmy Rollins is some kind of crazy punking genius or something, it’s just in his blood. And as for Ashton, he’s over the punking hill. He’s like the Omar Vizquel of punking, and J-Ro is like… well, he’s the J-Ro. Does that make sense?”

Though Manuel’s analogy is not particularly creative, it does make sense and Rollins’ belief in himself is just as strong as his manager’s. He told SSNN that he knows he has a long way to go, but he is confident he’ll make the Phillies the best punkers in the NL East, if not in all of baseball.

“There are a lot of things that go into a successful punk, and obviously two major factors are the cleverness and renown of the punkee. If you saw the video, you know Kyle Kendrick is neither famous nor very intelligent,” Rollins said. “Clearly he was a warm-up punk. You might say he was the punking equivalent of a little long toss. Next we go to some grounders off the fungo bat, and then maybe some live pitching. It’s a process; but the only thing I care about is that when the 162-game season ends, we better be one punk ahead of the Mets. If it’s me against Kutcher, well… the Willis-Moore Thanksgiving Dinner might just be pulling up one extra chair this year, if you know what I’m sayin’.”