Knight retired due to normal blood pressure

LUBBOCK, TX — An unexpected return at the doctor’s office has led Bobby Knight to unexpectedly quit as the coach of Texas Tech.

“I went in for a routine check-up,” Knight said. “Everything was in order – cheeks were red, voice hoarse, throat inflamed, heart-rate fast. But then they did my blood pressure, and all hell broke loose.”

Knight’s blood pressure, astonishingly, was 119/78, which is normal – even excellent – for an American man in his 60s. However, Knight was enraged, as the “normal” blood pressure is a far departure from his standard blood pressure of 260/194.

“Look, most people would die if their blood pressure was 260/194,” said Dr. Martina Tinzel, who examined Knight. “But not Bob – Bob is really at his best when operating at a slightly higher level of intensity. So what most people would think is a good level of blood pressure could be just the opposite for Coach Knight.”

“This is horrible,” Knight said. “This is the worst thing to ever happen to me. I could die with a 120 over 80. I mean, at 120 over 80, one thing is clearly obvious – I’m not doing anybody any good; not at Texas Tech, and not in life.”

Knight said that he’d been questioning whether he would continue at Texas Tech anyway, so his medical abnormality was really just a confirmation of his suspicions that his time as a head coach was up.

“There was just this look in the doctor’s eyes as she was reading the numbers,” Knight said of his fateful appointment. “Before she even finished the diastolic, I knew it was time to quit.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!