Knight hired by MLB umpire union to enforce “original” strike zone

NEW YORK, NY — So much for Bobby Knight taking that much-deserved vacation he’s been savoring. Only days after the former Texas Tech basketball coach agreed to be an analyst for ESPN during the upcoming NCAA Tournament, SSNN has learned Knight has officially accepted a proposal made by the Major League Baseball umpire’s union to serve as the group’s acting commissioner during the 2008 season.

Spokesman Lamell McMorris said the union knew it had its man even before Knight conceded his post at Texas Tech on Feb. 4, and he believes Knight is the only person capable of performing the task at hand.

“We, the union, are extremely pleased to have Mr. Knight aboard and stand confident in his ability to resurrect the game of baseball’s integrity, which has been severely compromised,” McMorris told reporters Friday. McMorris and the union have asked Knight to spearhead an effort to improve the presently wretched state of baseball by supervising and executing what McMorris refers to as a “complete overhaul of the strike zone.”

“Steroids are not the issue here, people. The only effect steroids are proven to have is shrinking a player’s testicles. The problem lies in the game’s teen tiny strike zone. That’s why all these ‘nobodies’ are hitting so many home runs. For Christ’s sake, I could hit a crotch-level fastball. It’s not that hard. Try hitting a ball thrown at your nose.”

Knight’s main responsibility will be ensuring that each and every MLB umpire understands the new strike zone – which extends from a player’s nose down to his mid-shin area – prior to opening day, and consistently enforces it throughout the season. Also, as McMorris explained, any non-compliance on the part of an umpire will result in whatever punishment deemed necessary by Knight himself.

“We are well aware of Mr. Knight’s prowess as a teacher and mentor, as well as his ability to get his point across. The union is willing to allow Bobby to use any and all resources at his disposal to effectively carry out swift justice should an umpire fail to conform to these changes,” McMorris said with wry smile. “Lie detector tests, wire taps, torture – it’s all fair game. I wouldn’t mind seeing someone with a tight strike zone – say, Tim McClellan – be electrocuted for not following the rules. You know, like something you would see on 24.”

McMorris declined to disclose the names on the “long list of candidates” for the position ultimately won by Knight, but it is believed that some inside the union made a strong push for actor Keifer Sutherland, who plays Counter Terrorist Unit special agent and torture extraordinaire Jack Bauer on Fox’s Emmy award-winning drama.

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!