Kidd trade involves Nets janitor and some old guy

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ — After a preponderance of proposals and days of debate, the trade between the New Jersey Nets and the Dallas Mavericks surrounding Jason Kidd has finally been made official.

Follow SSNN on Twitter!

The final incarnation of the deal involved eight NBA players and two other individuals – Chris Faltrey, the lead janitor from the Continental Airlines Arena (home of the Nets) and an elderly gentleman by the name of Jack Stanchert. Kidd, Malik Allen, Antoine Wright, Faltrey and Stanchert head to Dallas in exchange for Devin Harris, DeSagana Diop, Trenton Hassell, Maurice Ager, a recently un-retired Keith Van Horn along with draft picks and cash.

According to Nets GM Rod Thorn, New Jersey originally hoped to hold on to both Faltrey and Stanchert, but that the deal simply would not have been possible without the inclusion of both.

“Outside of the obvious salary issues, I got the feeling that Mark [Cuban] wasn’t going to have any part of this deal without me throwing in Chrissy and Old Jack,” Thorn told SSNN in an exclusive interview. “When you talk about a true fan, that’s Old Jack – ever since J Kidd came here from Phoenix, he’s been courtside rooting; Jason has made no secret of the fact that Jack’s constant enthusiasm helped him play through his divorce last season, and has really helped him keep his head up. And Chris? Let’s just say that state-of-the-art facility in Dallas is going to sparkle like it never has before.”

According to Cuban, he was originally ready to accept the deal without Stanchert, as long as Faltrey was included. But after a last-minute call from Kidd himself, the Mavs’ owner had to insist that Kidd’s “number one fan” be a part of the trade.

“Jason called me late last night when he heard that I was about to make the deal without Old Jack. I don’t know how you could blame me – I mean, who would’ve thought that anybody would care about some decrepit old man,” Cuban explained. “But Jason really does care. I guess something about a wrinkled old fart with seven or eight teeth missing can drive a man to triple-doubles. Anyway, I’m gonna give the guy my seat, which should actually give me more time to worry about more important things. Like celebrity reality shows, or buying the Cubs.”