Goodell: “I can out-commish Bud Selig in my sleep”

NEW YORK, NY — With controversy surrounding his admission of destroying tapes that were involved in the on-going New England Patriots Spygate scandal, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell quickly deflected the issue by drawing comparisons between himself and another commissioner that is currently making headlines.

“I don’t need to involve any third party in any of my decisions,” Goodell said on Sunday at a luncheon honoring NFL Alumni for giving back to their community. “When I decide to do something, I don’t let a bunch of jackasses like Congress or PETA get in the way. I mean, Bud Selig is a hack and a loser. He’s a snivelling little apologist. I could out-commish Selig in my sleep.”

Goodell feels that his track record for handling disciplinary issues speaks for itself. By his own judgment, he has done more than enough to earn the benefit of the doubt from Pennsylvania Senator Arlen Specter and any other concerned members of the United States Government.

“Pacman Jones? Tank Johnson? Yeah, I dealt with both of those dudes in my first month on the job, and they’re basically both model citizens now,” Goodell insisted. “Do you even remember how quickly I dealt out fines with the Spygate scandal in New England? Well, it was super fast. Almost as fast as I burned those tapes in the fireplace in my private office. Let’s just say that if my sport was overrun with steroids, there wouldn’t be a bunch of needles and other hard evidence lying around. I’d light that shit on fire before I let congress get their grubby little paws on it.”

Calls to Mr. Selig and his agent concerning Mr. Goodell’s comment were not returned. Sen. Specter, however, was infuriated by Goodell’s audacity.

“I’ve spent virtually all my time on this Patriots thing for the last several months, and I am offended by Commissioner Goodell’s attitude of superiority. I’m in Congress, for Christ’s sake; do you even realize how many other things I could be doing? Iraq, our failing economy… The list goes on and on,” Specter told SSNN. “But I chose to spend my time investigating the NFL, and now this Goodell thinks he’s better than me? I swear to God, if I had the power to punish him, I’d really stick it to that guy.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!