Future Kendrick Pranks to be less complicated

CLEARWATER, FL — In the wake of one of the great clubhouse pranks of all time, ringleader Brett Myers and the rest of the Philadelphia Phillies have decided to keep punking Kyle Kendrick – just not in as grand a fashion.

“We have a committee to handle these sorts of things – me, J-Ro, Big Ry, and a few other guys. We sat down and talked about it,” Myers said. “We all agreed that we want to keep punking Kyle, because it’s a hell of a lot of fun. But we realized that it’s a lot easier than we made it this last time. Last time we had agents involved, managers, teammates, everything. And it was awesome, but it was so complicated. And so we just looked at each other and said, ‘This guy is so damn gullible. We don’t need to try this hard.’ And so we decided to tone it down a bit.”

Myers said that in the next prank, Rollins is going to give Kendrick a ball and tell him that the new practice for pitchers is going to be to throw it against a wall over and over again.

“It’s gonna be awesome,” Myers said. “We’re going to give Kyle this ball and have him throw it against a wall over and over again. Something hilarious is gonna happen, for sure. Either he’s going to blow out his arm, or maybe he’s going to end up hitting himself in the face with it, or maybe he’s just going to keep throwing that damn ball against the wall for three days straight. I don’t know what exactly is gonna go down, but it’s going to be funny.”

According to some of the other members of the Phillies, there are additional pranks in the works for Kendrick.

“Well, I’ve got one prank that I’m working on a little bit,” said Charlie Manuel, the team’s manager. “I’m thinking about giving Kyle a big ole piece of gum before he takes the mound next time. Because you know there’s no way that kid can pitch and chew gum at the same time. I think it’s going to be hilarious. He’s probably going to break his ankle or something.”

Several of the other members of the Phillies at first questioned the simplification of the plots, but after a team meeting, they decided that it really just was too easy to get Kendrick.

“I mean, come on,” said Jimmy Rollins. “Really, Kyle? Really? You thought you were being traded to Japan? Really? Do you know anything about baseball at all?”

Rollins then proceeded to sell Kendrick 80 acres of prime Arizona swampland.