FROM THE ARCHIVES: Even God sick of Clemens udpates

As Roger Clemens has become overexposed in the media yet again, SSNN revisits a classic from May 2007, when everyone was sick of the Rocket.

HEAVEN — Apparently humans are not the only beings sick of hearing about Roger Clemens’ eventual return to the New York Yankees. Weighing in from his Heavenly throne, God said he has had enough of the story too.

“If I knew Roger would have hogged this much of SportsCenter, day-in and day-out, I would never have allowed his parents to conceive him,” said an annoyed deity appearing on “The Hot Seat” during Saturday night’s version of ESPN’s sports highlight show. “I mean, come on Neil Everett, just tell me who won the real games. Clemens isn’t even in the majors yet. “

God went on to say that Clemens’ existence is a bit of an embarrassment given His all-knowing powers, but admits 1962 was a hazy year for Him. “His birth must have evaded me. I was into some heavy [drugs] in ‘62; but hey, wasn’t everyone? It was the 60’s, for my sake.”

God has noticed the Clemens phenomenon has not been limited to Sportscenter – First Take, Around the Horn and Pardon the Interruption have also jumped aboard Roger’s bandwagon. The bandwagon does, however, seem to be limited to ESPN.

“I may have to do something drastic, like switch my favorite channel button to Fox Sports Net, ” God said as He shook His head. “I heard LeBron scored 48 against the Pistons the other night, but I was busy watching the war in Iraq and highlights have escaped me due to ESPN’s love affair with that dirty bat-thrower.”

The view at ESPN was much different. “It’s the Yankees world – we’re just living in it,” said ESPN anchor Stuart Scott. “If you don’t want to hear about the Bronx Bombers, you’re probably not American. And non-Americans are not our target audience. Booyah!”

Contrary to many Americans’ beliefs, God is not solely focused on this country. He also has 193 other nationalities to worry about; all of them God’s Children. Maybe this is why He’s sick of hearing about Clemens, but perhaps He’s just like all of us – tired of a played out story.

When told God was sick of hearing about him, Clemens responded, “God? Who cares about God? I sold my soul to the Devil years ago. How do you think a 42 year-old leads the league in ERA and wins the Cy Young?”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!