Eli Manning still seething about MasterCard snub

NEW YORK, NY — Even though it’s been three years, Eli Manning is still very upset with MasterCard over an unintentional snub, and is plotting his revenge against the company.

The controversy apparently started several years ago, when MasterCard decided that it wanted to invite Peyton Manning to star in their very popular television commercials.

“I called the Manning house, and a person who sounded a lot like Peyton picked up the phone,” said Madeline Montgomery, the MasterCard advertising director around whom a lot of the controversy centers. “I said, ‘Mr. Manning, we think you’re one of the great all-time NFL quarterbacks, and we’d like you to be in our ads.’ The guy on the other end said, ‘Gee, thanks, I’d really be honored. I can’t wait to tell my parents! And Peyton is gonna be so jealous!’ It was then that I realized that I’d made a terrible mistake.”

Montgomery said she tried to correct the error instantly.

“I said, ‘Oh, no, I’m sorry Eli, I thought I was speaking with Peyton. It’s actually Peyton who we’d like to invite to be our spokesman. We don’t really even care all that much about you.’ But by then he wasn’t even listening. All I heard was sobbing, and I think I heard someone say something like, ‘Peyton gets everything!’ Then the line went dead.”

The rest is pretty much history, and Montgomery had pushed the incident to the back of her mind until recently. While Peyton Manning has put together a string of very successful MasterCard commercials, Eli Manning’s career had been a consistent struggle. That is, until he led the New York Giants to a dramatic, unlikely Super Bowl win and declared that it was time to “settle all of the family business.”

“I started to receive these weird phone calls at all hours of the night,” Montgomery told SSNN. “Every time it was the same. At first there was just sort of labored breathing, and then this southern accent whispering three words – ‘Revenge is priceless.’”

Eli Manning denies that the phone calls were made by him, even though a caller ID log states that the calls were indeed placed from a phone registered to his name. He does admit, however, to being tickled by the use of ‘priceless’ in the threatening call.

“I just think that’s hilarious, that the caller said, ‘Revenge is priceless,’” Eli said. “I would guess that the person who came up with that has basically all the qualities that make for an excellent MasterCard spokesperson: clever decision-making, a rifle throwing arm, and extreme good looks. I dunno, maybe they want to find the person who is making those calls and have him do some of their ads. Just an idea.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!