Disgruntled Ocho Cinco to help team, involve governor in celebration

CINCINNATI, OH — After not-so-subtly campaigning for a trade up and down press row at Super Bowl XLII, Chad Johnson was none too pleased to wake up on the Monday after the Pro Bowl without seeing himself moved from the Cincinnati Bengals.

“Yeah, I’m disappointed,” Johnson told SSNN. “I spoke to every radio station in the country, I thought. You’d think some of these GM’s would be listening, maybe start making some inquiries when I say things like, ‘I could play anywhere next year.’ I’m not gonna come right out and demand a trade – I’ve got too much class for that. But if you’re running an NFL franchise, sometimes you’ve got to read between the lines.”

But despite his initial frustration, Johnson intends to make the most of his situation. He’s sure that, if he isn’t moved, he can do more than his fair share to help the Bengals improve on a disappointing 7-9 season.

“I haven’t even heard a good trade rumor with me in it, so I’m not really very hopeful at this point. But I’ve got a backup plan,” a surprisingly sunny Johnson said. “I still have to work out some details, but I’m negotiating a deal with the governor of the great state of Ohio – Ted Strickland – where if I celebrate a touchdown with him, he’ll grant clemency to all my teammates who have run afoul of the law. That in itself should get us a couple more wins, maybe sneak us into the playoffs. From there, I feel like I can take over.”

Bengals who have been arrested or otherwise entangled in legal troubles over the past several seasons include: WR Chris Henry, LB Odell Thurman, LB AJ Nicholson, DE Frostee Rucker, DB Deltha O’Neal, DT Matthias Askew, G Eric Steinbach and WR Reggie McNeal. Nicholson, Askew, Steinbach and McNeal are all no longer members of the Bengals. It is unclear if they will be included in Johnson’s bid for clemency.

“We’ve agreed to a deal in principle, it’s just a matter of a couple details getting squared away,” Johnson assured SSNN. “Obviously if I get traded the whole thing is void, and then there’s the issue of how far into the future the clemency extends. I’m hoping to get free reign for the whole roster as long as I’m on it, but naturally Teddy Gov – that’s my name for him – he just wants to make sure guys don’t start breaking the law just ‘cuz they can. I’m confident we’ll have the details ironed out by the time OTA’s roll around.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!