D-Wade possibly dating Jessica Simpson?

CHICAGO, IL — After losing their 24^th game in 25 tries on Thursday night, the Miami Heat are looking for any possible explanation for their struggles.

The latest loss was especially tough, as it came against the also-struggling Chicago Bulls. In addition to stinking virtually the entire season, the 21-31 Bulls are missing their top two scorers (Luol Deng and Ben Gordon) due to injury, and their best rebounder and defender (Ben Wallace) to a death in the family.

“Yeah, we’re a bad team – that’s clear just looking at our roster. But are we that much worse than the Bulls’ second team?” Heat superstar Dwyane Wade admitted. “Do you realize that no team has EVER lost 25 straight games? So we’ve been as bad as any team has ever been for the last 25 games. I mean, we’ve got me! It’s basically unfathomable that we’re this terrible; I can’t figure it out.”

But some inside the organization have posited an explanation for the team’s struggles. And it has nothing to do with the Shaq trade, injury problems or Ricky Davis being a cancer.

“I don’t have any hard evidence to support this, but I’m fairly certain that D-Wade is sticking it to Jessica Simpson on the side,” said a 60-something team employee with slicked-back hair and an Armani suit, who spoke with SSNN on the condition of anonymity. “I know he’s technically married and everything, but I read a blog that said he and Siohvaughn are on the outs, and it’s really the only explanation for how bad this team has been. We tried unloading Shaq, some of our younger guys are playing better, we’ve made adjustments in our plan of attack – nothing makes any difference. We blow hard; the only thing left that I can think of is the Jessica Simpson curse, and I heard she and Romo are splittsville, so… I just connected the dots, you know?”

Ms. Simpson’s representatives would neither comment on the report nor make the starlet available for an interview with SSNN. To be fair, SSNN staff believes the denial of our request for an interview has more to do with keeping Jessica from saying something stupid than with her possible relationship with an NBA player.

For his part, Wade dismissed the idea that Simpson was in any way responsible for the Heat’s struggles. However, he refused to confirm or deny whether he and the one-time Newlyweds star have any relationship.

“Wasn’t the whole deal there that she was at the game in a jersey, making a fool of herself?” Wade pointed out when questioned about the supposed Simpson Curse. “Did you see her in my luxury suite? No. Is she wearing my jersey on TV and shakin’ her giant bozangas around? Absolutely not. I’m no idiot. Have you ever heard the expression, ‘on the down low?’ I’m not sayin’, I’m just sayin’.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!