Cards aim for shutdown of Jupiter alcohol sales

JUPITER, FL — In an effort to keep the blood alcohol levels of its players and coaches below the legal limit, the St. Louis Cardinals organization has taken the unprecedented step of petitioning area restaurants to prohibit the sale of any sort of adult beverage as spring training gets ready to gear up in Jupiter, Fla.

“After what Tony went through a year ago, we just felt it was in the best interest of everyone involved if the players didn’t consistently report to spring training each day suffering from a killer hangover, ” said John Mozeliak, St. Louis’ first-year general manager. “We are going to pay particularly close attention to the consumption of wine. When Tony got tagged last spring, he admitted to having drunk cabernet. That was a huge mistake, and we won’t let happen again. Everyone in their right mind knows that a nice, subtle merlot is the way to go.”

Though the move will likely keep team personnel out of jail and in the good graces of ownership, the organization’s plan is not without its detractors. Cards hurler and Florida native Adam Wainwright says Mozeliak and his cronies need to start treating the coaches and players less like little-leaguers and more like professionals.

“I’m a grown-ass man. If I wanna go out and get bombed out of my gourd, then that’s what I’m going to do,” the St. Louis staff ace told SSNN. “As long as I can stumble out of bed and do my little wind sprints and play catch for five or six hours, what does it matter if I reek like a Jack Daniels distillery?”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!