Boycott forces postponement of Bud Bowl

ST. LOUIS, MO — A last minute boycott has led to the postponement of this year’s Bud Bowl.

In a show of solidarity, a united front of Anheuser-Busch products, both past and present, have been chanting in protest outside of the beer giant’s corporate headquarters for the last few days. They carry signs with angry declarations like, “Stop the Blood Bowl,” “Show Compassion for Beers Gone By,” and “No Bud for Oil” – many of which make little or no sense, outside of cute rhymes or puns.

The boycott was organized by the #34 Bud Light bottle, Tom Hops, who is the All-star quarterback for the Bud Light team favored to win this year’s big promotional game.

“I just felt that someone had to finally stand up and say ‘Hey, enough is enough’”, Mr. Hops told SSNN while standing on the picket line. “This boycott isn’t about just me and my family; it is about the treatment of Bud Bowl legends from the past and their families, as well as future athletes of alcoholic descent.”

Hops went on to explain to SSNN that he feels the company has “dropped the ball” as it pertains to the treatment of past Bud Bowl players, especially with respect to medical benefits.

“Look at Bud Dry. That beer is probably the greatest to ever play the game. If it were not for him and that crazy end-around play, Budweiser would never have won Bud Bowl IV… Now look at him – he actually chipped the glass in his neck during that game, and he went flat the very next day. And does he see any compensation from Anheuser-Busch? No! It’s like the company just wants to sweep him under the rug, and forget that he even existed.”

SSNN also spoke with current Anheuser-Busch CEO, August Busch IV – the great-great-grandson of company founder Adolphus Busch – who gave us the company’s perspective.

“We are obviously very disappointed about the postponement of this year’s Bud Bowl,” said Mr. Busch. “Speaking not only for the company, but myself as well, I feel very badly for any of our beers who have fallen on hard times. Our beers are like our children. But you have to remember – these beers who participate in the Bud Bowl are independent contractors. We don’t force them to play this game; and besides, they understand the risks going into the game.

“And I also want to make something very clear: all of our Bud Bowl participants are compensated, and they are compensated very well. That is the tradeoff for the abuse that they take for the purposes of promoting our fine Budweiser family of products. If they choose to make poor financial decisions afterwards, then the company bares no responsibility whatsoever”.

It appears, however, that the Bud Bowl participants will continue to protest until their demands are met. And Hops tells SSNN that he intends to fight the company for “as long as it takes.”

“My wife Corona just gave birth to a lovely six-pack last month. I wake up every morning, and I look at her with that beautiful lime in her neck, and then I see that frothy little six-pack, and I say to myself, ‘This is for them.’ And that’s why I’m not giving up until management sits down at the table and works something out for our future.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!