BoSox trade Crisp for Lucky Charms

BOSTON, MA — After weeks of speculation about whether he could reclaim his job as Red Sox center fielder from Jacoby Ellsbury, Coco Crisp was traded today to the Baltimore Orioles for a package including a gross of Lucky Charms boxes.

“It’s not exactly part of a complete breakfast,” said Sox GM Theo Epstein. “But the guys go nuts for that stuff. They really are always after Lucky Charms. Plus we’re getting monogrammed bowls and spoons for everyone on the roster and a couple of select front office employees.”

The switch-hitting Crisp was the starter in center for the vast majority of the Red Sox’ 96 regular season wins, but he lost his job to Ellsbury – a rookie – down the stretch, and saw very little playing time in Boston’s World Series victory over the Rockies. He had recently gone public with a trade request, looking for a full-time starting job.

“We see this as a perfect trade – not only for us, but for the Orioles as well,” Epstein told SSNN. “They really didn’t have a center fielder at all; some kid named Adam Jones, I guess. And we had too many outfielders, but the cereal at our spring training facility is all the plain stuff – you know, Corn Flakes and Grape Nuts and whatnot. Everybody gets what they need in this deal.”

Crisp’s former teammates all had good things to say about him, but understood the deal and were looking forward to enjoying the cereal.

“I’m a big Coco Crisp guy, but with Jacoby playing so well last year, I think we’re pretty much set in the outfield. I’m sad to see Coco leaving,” said David Ortiz. “But the Lucky Charms should ease the pain. I mean, they’re magically delicious.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!