Win earns Stewart head coaching job; loss would have brought death

MORGANTOWN, WV — Bill Stewart, formerly the interim head coach of West Virginia, was promoted to be the team’s full time head coach after the Mountaineers thrilling 48-28 victory over the Oklahoma Sooners.

It was a huge victory for the Mountaineers, and a bigger one for Stewart, who informed SSNN that a loss would have meant an entirely different result.

“Yeah, actually, if we’d have lost the game, I would have had to die on the field,” Stewart said. “That was the deal – win, I’m the head coach; lose, they cut my head off on the 50-yard line with a hacksaw. It was a tough decision for me at first; but then I thought about it, and I decided to take the deal. Fortunately, we won.”

The NCAA is reportedly investigating the situation.

“We believe that it may be illegal for a team to tell a coach that if he wins a game, he’ll be promoted to head coach on a permanent basis,” said Herman Zellwegger, an NCAA investigator. “But we are relatively certain that it’s illegal to threaten to murder your coach in the middle of Arizona if the team loses.”

Nevertheless, Stewart insists that he’s glad about the deal, would make it again, and would have honored his word if it came to that.

“I’m pretty sure they’d have stuck by the deal,” Stewart said. “In West Virginia, they take your word seriously. Plus, they showed me the hacksaw.”

“Oh, we’d definitely have cut his head off,” said a West Virginia University official who chose to remain nameless. “We still might get to cut his head off – you never know. We’re trying to get him to sign a similar deal for a national championship next year, but now that he’s signed his head coaching contract he seems more reluctant to participate.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!