West Virginia claims Rodriguez is an illegal alien

MORGANTOWN, WV — The divorce between Rich Rodriguez and West Virginia University has been anything but civil. Squabbling between the two parties has seemingly turned into a weekly event ever since Rodriguez decided to leave Morgantown for the more high profile gig at Michigan.

Now the latest in a long string of accusations may potentially raise this already delicate situation to new, epic proportions.

In a statement released Thursday through its lawyer, Thomas Flaherty, the school claims, “Mr. Rodriguez is not a natural-born citizen of the United States, and never should have been hired to lead the Mountaineers to unprecedented success in his seven years in Morgantown in the first place. He is, therefore, an illegal alien; and subsequently an enemy of not only our university but this great country.”

As Flaherty continued to read the university’s statement, the blatantly racial overtones with which the institution revealed its “findings” became increasingly palpable.

“The four Big East titles, two Fiesta Bowl victories and three consecutive BCS bowl appearances that our football program enjoyed under Coach Rodriguez are now rendered meaningless – all because someone at this proud university thought it wise to hire a border jumper,” Flaherty said, reading the statement word for word. “Why else would we agree to name Bill Stewart his successor? There’s no way Bill is from Mexico.”

The announcement sent shockwaves through the close-knit community surrounding the university. Early speculation suggests faulty security screening and outdated background check procedures are to blame for Rodriguez’s 2001 hiring. But some chalk up the move to nothing more than poor judgment.

“I think we simply became enamored with Rich’s unbelievably strong reputation for hard work, under less-than-ideal working conditions, for minimal pay,” said a WVU official who agreed to speak with SSNN under the condition of anonymity. “Let’s face it – nobody really wants to come to Morgantown. Plus, the football program was broke at the time and couldn’t afford anybody else. The decision to hire Rich made financial sense. It’s obvious now, after the program’s most significant run of success, that we made a grave mistake.”

Less than 24 hours after the university released its statement, sources close to the West Virginia football program told SSNN that there is now strong consideration among the Morgantown brass to adopt a policy that would prohibit the recruitment of any potential collegiate player or football program staffer whose last name ends in “ez.”