Sharapova to become mail-order bride

MOSCOW, RUSSIA — Upon returning to Russia after her victory at the Australian Open, Maria Sharapova gleefully announced Thursday that she’s retiring from tennis to fulfill her lifelong dream of becoming a mail-order bride.

“I have always wanted to be the sort of beautiful woman that a desperate, but wealthy American man selects from a catalog or website,” Sharapova said. “Fortunately, I now have that chance.”

The company for which Sharapova intends to work – Mail-Brides.ru – is thrilled to have the elegant tennis star on board. They have started the bidding for Sharapova at $400 and are hopeful that it can go as high as $600.

“Two things will happen,” said Dmitri Matinov, a spokesman for the company. First, a man will find the woman of his dreams. Second, Maria will find a life of opulence and opportunity the likes of which she could never have imagined as a young girl in Russia.”

Indeed, there is a lot of interest in Sharapova. Kevin Goodwin, a 34-year old systems engineer who lives with his mother, is definitely planning on tossing his hat into the ring. “As far as I’m concerned, I already have sex with Maria Sharapova pretty much every day in my head,” Goodwin said. “So I have had the practice to really, you know, give her a good life.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!