Problem solved: ‘Melo buys USC

LOS ANGELES, CA — Just a week or so after he found himself in hot water for accepting tickets from Carmelo Anthony, O.J. Mayo is off the hook.

That is because Anthony went ahead and purchased the University of Southern California this week, in order to solidify the argument that the tickets were not a tactic to curry favor on behalf of the Nuggets.

“Yeah, I just figured that the best way of putting this all behind us was for me to buy USC, so that’s what I did,” Anthony said. “And don’t let the fact that those profs only make $60K fool you – universities are expensive.”

In order to make the purchase possible, ‘Melo had to make some tough choices. For example, he could only afford either the law school or the medical school. “I chose law,” he said. “My grandma always wanted me to be a lawyer.” Additionally, Anthony has declined to purchase the university’s groundskeeping department, opting instead to have neighborhood kids cut the lawns for a “few bucks a week.”

The NCAA indicated that, while drastic, Anthony’s actions will get Mayo and USC coach Tim Floyd off the hook.

“As an organization, we now consider this matter closed,” said John Bundsen, an NCAA spokesman. “However, if Carmelo needs to melt down Reggie Bush’s Heisman Trophy to make pens, you won’t see us complaining.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!