Portis skips practice to return Christmas gifts

WASHINGTON, DC — Clinton Portis is in hot water today, after skipping Redskins’ practice to return Christmas presents.

“Coach said it was a ‘mandatory’ practice,” Portis said. “Especially since we didn’t have practice on Tuesday. I guess he really wanted us to be there. But the last few weeks, when we have practice on Wednesday it’s not that big of a deal – basically we usually just walk through some plays or whatever. So I figured maybe I’d just blow it off and return some sweaters. I think it’s probably because the game is on Saturday instead of Sunday, you know? Like, everything got bumped up a day or something, ’cause apparently this practice was a really big deal.”

The practice was the first in preparation for the Redskins’ weekend playoff game against the Seattle Seahawks. Though Portis is still expected to play on Saturday, sources inside the Redskins locker room told SSNN that Redskins headman Joe Gibbs was considering fining the running back for his truancy.

“To be honest, I was really surprised CP didn’t make it to practice today,” said wideout Santana Moss. “I mean, this is the playoffs – he probably should have been here. Coach Gibbs was really pissed. He just kept muttering about how players missing practice leads to bad clock management. I don’t really get what one thing has to do with the other, but I think I understand why he wanted Clinton to show up for practice.”

Portis said that he expects to have hell to pay when he arrives at the Redskins’ team facility on Thursday. But he also told SSNN that he wouldn’t do things any differently after a very productive Wednesday, when he managed to “take care of basically all my Christmas exchanges.”

“I swung by Tyson’s Corner,” Portis said, referring to a large mall in suburban Washington, D.C. “I returned some stuff at the Gap, and I exchanged a set of gloves that I got from Macy’s for a set that fits a bit better. I also swung by Nordstrom’s and picked up some ties off of their half-price rack. Those sales are pretty sick, and ties can be expensive if you don’t shop the sales.”

Portis has been known in the past for his outlandish, costume-like wardrobe choices; so much so that one might call him the Elton John of professional football. But the ‘Skins leading rusher said Wednesday was more about the staples – pants, gloves, shirts, etc. – and that he didn’t leave the mall with anything too over-the-top.

“I’m always looking for good wigs, but there’s never a great selection of that sort of stuff after the holidays – I think some people dress funny for New Year’s Eve parties or something,” Portis said. “Actually, one of the things I was returning was a feather boa. My aunt gave it to me, and it was really nice and soft, but I’ve never really been able to pull of taupe accoutrements – somehow I look much better in purple.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!