Peyton Manning declares self “superior advertiser” to Brady

GLENDALE, AZ — Peyton Manning came clean about his feelings toward Tom Brady’s commercial endorsements today, announcing that he was “the superior advertiser.”

“I’m not talking about who’s better at playing quarterback, or who has the better team,” Manning told an impromptu gathering of press outside a Dairy Queen in Glendale, Arizona. “I’m just saying I’m way better at making commercials. And in the long run, that’s what’s really gonna count.

“Just compare us and you’ll see,” Manning went on in his lovable Louisiana drawl. “I allow the world to view the inner workings of my mind, offer sound advice concerning everyday issues like driving minivans, and I’ve even attempted to start a whole new sport with my brother Eli. What does Brady do? He sells Snickers bars. So, here’s what it comes down to: I give hope to the average American; Brady gives them diabetes.”

As he began to eat his cookie dough-topped sundae, Manning explained that it is his close, personal relationship with the common man that truly sets him apart from Brady; and, in fact, from every other sports figure in the advertising world.

“I root for the guys and gals that work at supermarkets, or gas stations, or Staples or whatever. Nobody else does that, and they need support – cause those jobs suck,” Peyton explained between bites of his delectable ice cream treat. “Brady? He’s too busy racking up records to even acknowledge their presence. What a goober.”

With the thought of Brady’s selfishness and the scarcity of cookie dough bites driving him into a righteous fury, Manning scuffled toward his car for a moment, before angrily running back to reporters to continue his diatribe.

“I make classy, family-oriented, fun filled commercials for the entire world to see. What does Brady make? He makes shaving commercials! You know what people do with razor blades? They kill themselves!”

In the end, though, Manning calmed down, having found another cookie dough bite hidden on the bottom of the sundae. “Okay, that might have been a bit of an overreaction, but let’s face facts. Come Super Bowl Sunday, I won’t be playing – but you’re still gonna see just as much of me as you will of Brady.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!