Pearl blames Vols’ loss on poor attire decision

KNOXVILLE, TN — Tennessee head basketball coach Bruce Pearl spent the latter part of Tuesday night and all day Wednesday and Thursday grasping for answers as to how his fifth-ranked Volunteers were upset by 8-9 Kentucky, who so far this season have looked like… well, anything but a Kentucky team. After days of studying tape and wracking his brain for answers, Pearl settled on what he described as “the lone possible explanation.” The Vols headman readily admitted to SSNN that the hideously ugly orange blazer he wore to Rupp Arena Tuesday must have led to his team’s equally unattractive performance. “I feel absolutely responsible for my team’s loss,” a dejected Pearl said. “While the overall color scheme of my outfit was totally disgusting, what made the difference was the suit coat I purchased at a Knoxville Goodwill outlet prior to leaving town. I am utterly ashamed of my decision, and I vow to wear more aesthetically pleasing clothes for future games – especially those inside our conference.” Pearl had contemplated wearing a pumpkin-colored poncho in the past, but had worried it might distract his team. It seems he was right, after the 72-66 loss, but that doesn’t mean he has to like it – “I just don’t understand how Pat Summitt can wear orange underwear, orange this, orange that and win a national title every other year, but when I just try a little spice in my suit jacket we lose to a bunch of suckers! It doesn’t make any sense.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!