Nick Barkman, accountant, retiring from pro sports dream

ST. LOUIS, MO — At a small press conference held in his living room, 24-year-old Nick Barkman shocked the world today by announcing his retirement from dreaming about playing on a professional sports team.

“I’d like to apologize to all my fans out there who thought I had the talent to make it to the pro level. Mom, Dad, Father Merritt, Jimbo, I’m sorry y’all,” a tearful Barkman said.

Barkman, commonly referred to by his friends as “the duck” for noticeable physical and oratory conditions, admitted that he’ll no longer imagine himself participating in some of sports greatest moments. “I don’t see myself ever making the big touchdown catch anymore,” Barkman quacked. “And I know I’ll never hit a game winning home run for the Cardinals during the seventh game of the World Series, after having pitched twelve innings of no-hit ball.”

Touted as a top prospect at the age of seven by his father, Nick admitted that he needed more time to develop his skills. “I was afraid of the ball, any ball. I got hit in the arm when I was six. It stung for like an hour. That’s a pain I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy,” he said.

By middle school, most colleges and professional teams had lost interest in recruiting Barkman.

“I was disappointed,” he added. “I mean, sure, I couldn’t hit or pitch a baseball, catch or throw a football, but I could still dream. Even in high school, when I joined the math club instead of going out for basketball, I still believed one day I would make a buzzer beating shot to win the Division I National Championship for Mizzou. But those dreams were ridiculous; Mizzou could never make it to the championship game.”

After an uneventful five and a half years in college, Barkman joined international accounting firm KPMG, essentially putting his sports career at an end. “The day I signed the contract to work for them was the same day a part of me died inside. I knew then that I’d never again dream about setting foot on a pro field without being arrested moments later.”

Still, Nick reminded everyone that he will continue to dream and remain a beacon for us all to follow. “I’m gonna focus my efforts on getting into the Professional Bowler’s Association. I love to drink and I throw a mean straight ball.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!