New NASCAR rule replaces burnouts with vomiting fan

NEW YORK, NY — A controversial new rule will make its debut this NASCAR season, with burnouts being replaced by a lucky fan getting to puke all over a real NASCAR driver.

Burnouts – the act of spinning one’s tires so as to produce a tremendous amount of smoke and noxious fumes – have long been a traditional post-race victory celebration. However, in recent years complaints from environmental groups have led NASCAR to reconsider the tradition.

“We thought hard on this one,” said MaryAnne Mitchum, a NASCAR spokeswoman. “On the one hand, fans love burnouts. They like the smoke and the destructive nature of them. Obvious, right? On the other hand, it’s bad for the environment, and some of our sponsors don’t like the idea that their logos are being obscured. So we decided on a new promotion.”

The new promotion is basically an advance giveaway in which one lucky fan will win the right to puke a day’s worth of beer on their least favorite driver.

“Every fan will register at the beginning of the day,” Mitchum said. “At the end of the day, one of them will get to just blow all sorts of chunks on the driver of their choosing. It’s the perfect solution; it gives the fans something to shoot for, and it keeps the images of our sponsors in full view. Plus, it’s good for the environment – after all, beer-puke is biodegradable.”

While fans were ecstatic at the news, some drivers sneered at the new promotion. “Wait, so they’re going to let someone puke on me?” asked Dale Earnhardt, Jr. “That’s nasty. But I’m not anyone’s least favorite driver, so it’s sort of a non-issue; I mean, nobody wants to ralph on somebody this pretty. Still, though … nasty!”

At least one driver was more philosophical.

“I mean, we’re trying to say all the time that we’re so amenable to the fans,” said Kasey Kahne. “This is our chance to really put our money where our mouth is, right? What do we care if someone pukes on us? We’re dirty anyway. Hell, half the time a fan pukes on me after a race anyway – at least now the right to do that will be an honor.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!