Multi-faceted surgery on Rivers successful

SAN DIEGO, CA — San Diego Chargers quarterback Philip Rivers underwent successful surgery Wednesday, having his torn ACL repaired. In an effort they described as “killing two birds with one stone,” the team of surgeons also fixed some other issues that they noticed while Rivers was under anesthesia.

“We got in there, and we found some other things that worried us,” said Dr. James Donovan, head of surgery at San Diego State University Medical Center. “First off, we noticed that he still had a voicebox, so we just went ahead and pulled that out. We also clipped his vocal cords, since you can never be too cautious in ensuring all ability to speak is removed. This way, both the Chargers and the world will be spared having to listen to Philip. So, you’re welcome.”

According to SSNN sources, Chargers management was initially somewhat concerned to hear that their star QB can no longer speak. However, upon hearing the glorious silence that is now Philip Rivers, they changed their tune.

“Hell, we can use a silent count,” Norv Turner said. “We can use it on every play. I don’t even care if we get five false start penalties a game. It’s worth it.”

Not all of the mid-surgery adjustments were met with such controversy, though.

“We also noticed when we got in there that during his last surgery, before the championship game, the doctors had completely removed Philip’s ability to engineer a touchdown in the red zone,” Donovan said. “I’m not sure if the docs made a mistake, or if it just didn’t seem like it belonged, or what. Anyway, we had some of that laying around, so we plopped it in there. Hopefully it will take. You never know, though – we’ve been trying to get one into Donovan McNabb for ten years. Sometimes the body just rejects that sort of implant.”

Rivers was reached by SSNN but, happily, was unable to comment.

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!