LSU’s Dorsey “freaking out” over potential Whopper departure

BATON ROUGE, LA — Monday night’s convincing 38-24 victory in the BCS National Championship seems to be the last thing on Glenn Dorsey’s mind right now. LSU’s All-American defensive tackle is instead quite concerned over Burger King’s apparent intentions to discontinue its popular “Whopper” burger. Made up of a quarter-pound of flame-broiled USDA beef, ripe tomatoes, crisp lettuce, creamy mayo, ketchup, crunchy pickles and onions all on a toasted sesame seed bun, the Whopper has been satisfying hungry patrons since 1957, according to the company’s website. LSU released a statement early Wednesday morning through its sports information director, Michael Bonnette. “Mr. Dorsey was greatly saddened by the news that Burger King is even considering getting rid of his favorite burger,” Bonnette said. “The Whopper has been a staple of Glenn’s off-season training regimen, as well as a source of normalcy for him during the course of both his academic and athletic career here at Louisiana State University.” Sources close to Dorsey told SSNN that the 6′2″, 303 lb. senior from Gonzales, La. requires a daily intake of nearly 1,900 calories to maintain his less-than-svelte frame – that’s more than four Whoppers per day. It is unclear whether Burger King’s plans will have any effect on Dorsey’s status for April’s NFL draft, where he was projected to be a top ten pick.

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!