Lovie: Orton’s spot safe with Bears

CHICAGO, IL — With trade rumors swirling around the Bears acquiring Philadelphia quarterback Donovan Mcnabb in the offseason, coach Lovie Smith told the media that whatever happens, quarterback Kyle Orton’s spot on the roster is safe.

Smith explained, “We might be very crowded at the QB position next year, but I have given a vote of confidence to keeping Kyle here. He will be invaluable if any team challenges us to a drink off. The man is an unstoppable juggernaut of alcohol consumption.”

Drink offs, which are becoming increasingly more prevalent between NFL teams, occur when there is a dispute that cannot be settled on the field. Teams then send their best drinkers to face off in a night of drunken debauchery. Kyle Orton is the reigning champ with a stunning record of 52-0.

“He’s really the Devin Hester of competitive drinking,” teammate Olin Kreutz explained. “No one is on the same level as he is. He’s revolutionized the sport of competitive drinking.”

Orton, who has no recollection of any of his inebriated stupors, tried to walk people through what he thought his process might be. “I bet it’s really like a trance,” he said. “Well, more like an uncontrollable drunken haze. When I’m in the zone, I’m in the zone. It’s all a blur. I can only imagine the great geniuses operated in the same fashion, Mozart, Davinci, all of those Greek dudes. It is really something you have to experience for yourself. I guess.”

Although there is no Pro Bowl for drinking, players from around the league recognize Orton’s accomplishments. “He may look like Grizzly Adams, but the man can hold his liquor,” Lions wideout Roy Williams commented. “And even though he has the arm and on field judgment of a third string JV quarterback, he has to be respected for what he brings off the field.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!