Lane Bryant to open chain of Kobe Bryant stores

COLUMBUS, OH — The plus-sized women’s clothing chain Lane Bryant has announced it’s opening a new series of Kobe Bryant stores, geared specifically for the “full-figured woman who is also a fan of number twenty-four.”

In the initial wave of new stores, slated to open this spring, there will be four locations – Los Angeles, Philadelphia, Houston, and Phoenix.

“We chose the locations based on extensive market research that isolated two key components for success,” said Jonathon Knippet, head of expansion for Lane Bryant, from the company’s main office in Columbus, Ohio. “The first was whether the area had a strong attraction to Kobe Bryant – L.A. and Philly led in that department. The second factor was the approximate number of full-bodied women in the area – Houston and Phoenix are full of large ladies. Overall we have a good mix for our four flagship stores, though I can’t wait to get to Atlanta.”

The stores will feature all manner of Kobe clothing for larger women, everything from full sweatsuits to the popular jersey dress/muumuu item that Mariah Carey wore at the All-Star Game that in 2003. (Carey wore the Michael Jordan version of the dress/muumuu, but reportedly she has “several” Kobe versions.)

Statistics show that there are over 20 million obese women in the United States, and that there are at least as many Kobe Bryant fans.

“This expansion is a simple exercise in logic and reason,” Knippet said. “With 20 million people in each group, imagine the overlap in the Venn Diagram. That overlap, that’s our future.”

Bryant was calm about the new store openings.

“I’ve always said there’s plenty of Kobe to go around,” he said. “Now, with these new stores, I guess that’s truer than ever.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!