Jacobson to Catholic group: “It’s not like I molested a little boy”

BRISTOL, CT — ESPN’s Dana Jacobson returned from suspension earlier this week, but continues to receive hate mail and demands for her firing from a number of Catholic groups who were particularly offended by what they heard she said at ESPN’s roast of Mike and Mike in the Morning.

Though no video of her “anti-Jesus tirade” has been released to the public, the Notre Dame Nativity Association (NoDaNA) has been especially vocal in opposition to Jacobson’s return to the air.

“Our organization dedicates a lot of time to ensuring that every image of Jesus Christ, his birth, his life and his tragic death are all held in the highest regard,” NoDaNA spokesman Danny McTallerton explained to SSNN. “Obviously, Touchdown Jesus is one of those holy images, and from everything we’ve heard Dana has little respect for our University’s most sacred icon. I mean, we didn’t actually see what she said, or get any really credible source to tell us; but the internet buzz has given us the impression that she was very disrespectful.”

Jacobson, who has issued multiple on-air apologies for her behavior, declined an opportunity to attempt to make further amends directly to NoDaNA, and expressed a desire to move past the incident.

“Listen – I was fucked. Not literally, but figuratively; for Christ’s sake, I was swilling Belvedere like it was blue Gatorade. Plus, it was a roast! Nobody got mad at Andy Dick for grabbing Pam Anderson’s tits at her roast,” a defiant Jacobson told SSNN. “I think these zealots, just by their nature, have trouble understanding what exactly a roast is all about. It’s not like I molested a little boy. All I’m saying is, what’s more disrespectful to the memory of Jesus – talking trash about a stupid football statue? Or abusing a 12-year-old on the lord’s birthday? I just think the Catholics have bigger fish to fry, so to speak.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!