Hamels wins Iowa caucuses

DES MOINES, IA — In the sort of moment that epitomizes the wackiness of this Presidential campaign season, Philadelphia Phillies starting pitcher Cole Hamels has won the Iowa primary, running as an independent candidate on the “Southpaws for Change” platform.

“I didn’t really even campaign in Iowa,” said Hamels. “So this victory is nice, albeit unexpected. When you combine the fact that I’ve got no formal political experience and I’m constitutionally prevented from being president for another 12 years, this is a really nice treat.”

Iowa voters lauded Hamels’ consistency and gumption, particularly in the face of other inexperienced candidates like Barack Obama.

“I don’t care that he has no foreign policy experience,” said John Martin, 64, of Des Moines. “Cole Hamels will tear your heart out and eat it for lunch; even if he’s not hungry. And that’s what we need in the White House.”

Hamels’ viewpoints on the issues were a little disjointed when compared with the other candidates, but many voters indicated that’s what drew them to the lanky lefty.

“I don’t really care about illegal immigration, ethanol subsidies, or the war in Iraq,” said Martha Dinton, 49, of Ames. “Those issues are what everyone talks about, and they’re just not really my concern. What I do care about is absolutely bitching the batters of the National League East with a devastating changeup. So for me, Hamels was the natural choice.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!