Golfweek editor hanged in aftermath of controversial ‘noose’ cover

ORLANDO, FL — The January 18 firing of Golfweek magazine’s vice president and editor Dave Seanor was deemed necessary by many in the national media, not to mention the Professional Golf Association and Turnstile Publishing Company. But it’s hard to imagine any decent human being justifying what happened next to Seanor.

SSNN has learned that William J. Kupper, Jr., president of Golfweek’s parent company Turnstile Pubishing, conspired with PGA commish Tim Finchem to have Seanor hanged in the wake of the former editor’s decision to run a picture of a noose on the cover of the magazine’s Jan. 19 issue. The cover was a reference to the highly-publicized controversy surrounding Golf Channel anchor Kelly Tilghman, who was suspended ten days earlier for statements she made on Jan. 4 about young players needing to “lynch” Tiger Woods if they want to keep up.

“In our minds, the punishment should not only fit the crime, it should symbolize the crime,” Kupper, Jr. told SSNN, insisting that he believes the hanging was an appropriate response. “He needed to be taught a lesson – well, not as much him, since he’s dead now, but everyone else in the golf world. That’s how we do it around here – that’s gangster shit. Now go get me a sparkling water, bitch.”

Kupper, Jr. defended the ‘Old West’ form of execution, saying that what started as his idea quickly gained Finchem’s interest while the two were incinerating Seanor’s personal belongings, shortly before his termination. Finchem’s support of the hanging idea – one Kupper, Jr. worried might seem too brutal or inhumane – left no question as to the proper restitution for Seanor’s actions.

“Once I had my boy Tizzy Finchizzy on board, I knew we had to do this,” Kupper, Jr. said – mysteriously speaking in urban slang between sips of his Perrier. “We had to show all the haters out there that no wrong deed will go unnoticed or unpunished. But most importantly, we had to keep it real for the sake of the fans of the great game of golf.”

It seems perfectly ironic that in carrying out what he calls “just desserts,” Kupper, Jr. has glorified the exact ignorance and immoral action he set out to extinguish. But despite this, he remains surprisingly adamant regarding his verdict, and says he will not hesitate to do it again if the situations warrants.

“Listen, I’m only gonna say this once – I will rope anybody. It could be your mom, for all I care. If you disrespect me, you’re gonna pay the price – there’s six million ways to die, know what I’m sayin’?”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!