Entire Baylor team misses exam following five-OT thriller

WACO, TX — The instant euphoria that surrounded the Baylor Bears basketball team late last Wednesday night was reduced to nothing more than utter, hangover-induced disappointment by early Thursday morning. Sources inside the Baylor University athletic department have told SSNN that the entire team failed to wake up in time for a 9 AM billiards exam the morning following their shocking, five-overtime 116-110 win over in-state rival Texas A&M. Billiards class is commonly seen as a critical part of an athlete’s curriculum, and can make or break that particular player’s chances of graduating, even at an esteemed, private institution such as Baylor. “Those bunch of morons know how important that class is to their academic experience here,” said Ian McCaw, Director of Athletics. “We never stop stressing the importance of getting out to that local dive bar and hitting those pool tables so they are completely prepared for these exams. But we, as an institution, encourage this in the middle of the day; not after the longest frickin’ game in Big 12 Conference history. It’s very aggravating. The players’ number-one priority while at Baylor University should be getting a first-rate education.” SSNN has also confirmed reports alleging that several Baylor players were at a Waco pool hall around 12:45 AM on Thursday. However, eyewitness accounts claim what started as a “dedicated study session” quickly turned into an all-out “shot fest” – highlighted by moments of “dry-humping” with female onlookers – and lasted until the wee hours of the morning.

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!