Clemens to 60 Minutes: Injections were not steroids

NEW YORK–An embattled Roger Clemens told 60 minutes this week that the injections he received from his former trainer were not steroids or human growth hormone, as has been widely reported.

“They weren’t ‘roids,” Clemens told Mike Wallace of 60 Minutes. “They weren’t human growth hormone either. They were a special blend called ‘Super Magic Power Juice,’ that my doctor made for me. I’m not sure everything that’s in it, but I know that there’s some ‘Strikeout Powder’ in there, and a little bit of ‘Hall of Fame Potion’ as well.”

Clemens said he learned about the special formula from a wise man that he used to visit in Nogales, Mexico, when he was spending Arizona at spring training.

“I went to the wise man, and I said, ‘I want to prolong my career, and really continue to get better as I get older,’” Clemens said. “He told me that it might be impossible, that it would defy logic and convention and indeed all things biological. But then he pulled out a jar of his ‘Super Magic Power Juice,’ and he asked me if I wanted some. I said ‘Of course,’ and the rest is history, right?”

Major League Baseball is said to have obtained some Super Magic Power Juice and is looking into the formula. Commissioner Bud Selig and investigator George Mitchell are expected to soon make an announcement about the formula’s nature.

“We’re not quite yet certain all of the ingredients that go into the ‘Super Magic Power Juice’ formula,” Selig said. “We are running a battery of tests, and when we have the results, we’ll release them publicly. We believe that part of the formula involved Botox, which, given the present plumpness of Mr. Clemens’ rear, we believe is having its desired effect.”

Super Magic Power Juice is not presently on the banned substances list.

“Just because you can’t buy something over the counter, and you have to go to Mexico, and you have to walk down an alley, and you have to go past male prostitutes, which you might know as gigolos, and you have to give tequila to a guard, and you have to make sure that you don’t get rabies from a dog, and you have to give 13,000 American dollars to a guy wearing a poncho, people think it’s illegal,” Clemens said. “Ridiculous.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!