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Clemens making attempts to change public perception

HOUSTON, TX — With his legacy in jeopardy from allegations of steroid use, Roger Clemens is taking a number of aggressive actions to change the way he is perceived in public. These steps have included a defamation lawsuit against his former trainer, a series of high-profile interviews and press conferences, and, most recently, the development of a new hybrid car that is powered by the tears of children.

“I positively have not taken steroids. As I have said throughout my whole my career, I do not need performance enhancing drugs,” Clemens explained to the media. “But apparently my performance on the field is not enough. So I have developed this car, which harnesses the splashing tears of the tens of thousands of kids I have denied autographs to over the years.”

The car, which is indeed powered by the salty tears of broken hearted boys and girls, is in a prototype stage and is not yet ready for widespread release. Clemens has announced that, when the car is ready to be assembled, he will initially release 5,000 of them, and then will act like an extra special giant asshole, to ensure that enough kids are crying around the country to power the automobiles.

“This is the best of both worlds,” Clemens said. “I’m using my celebrity to do something good for the environment, and I’m taking advantage of something that occurs naturally, which is the propensity of sniveling little kids to burst into tears when they see me. Win-win. Society, you’re welcome.”

Environmentalists are skeptical of Clemens new program. “I don’t think tears of children are exactly what we mean when we say we don’t want to be dependent on oil,” said Marc Washington, a member of Greenpeace. “Nevertheless, I guesss anytime we get a Texan to lay off the gas a bit, it’s a good thing.”

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Labels: Houston Astros, hybrid car, New York Yankees, Roger Clemens, steroids, World Wildlife Fund

Posted on January 18th, 2008

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Other Related News Items

Clemens to 60 Minutes: Injections were not steroids (January 3, 2008)
Clemens receives a record 15 ESPY nominations (July 3, 2008)
Clemens shocks MLB, signs with Spurs (April 29, 2007)
Bowen, James connected even after finals end (June 18, 2007)

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