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News Item

Bonds blown away by size of indictment

SAN FRANCISCO, CA — A stunned Barry Bonds apparently cannot get over how enormous the indictment against him for perjury is. “I mean, seriously, that thing is hundreds of pages long, and its got all sorts of subpoints and footnotes and counter-arguments,” he said. “It’s gross.” Bonds informed SSNN that he has not read the indictment. “That thing is way too long for me,” Bonds said, advising that his lawyer had given him the gist. “I don’t know why they had to make it that big. You’d practically have to be on steroids to carry that around. I mean, not that I would know.” As overwhelmed as Bonds seemed to be with the indictment’s size, his attorney Mike Rains said it’s actually relatively typical. “Well, you have to realize that Barry doesn’t have a lot of experience with the legal process,” Rains told SSNN. “I mean, he’s a perjury virgin – and it sounds pretty easy, you know? Like, perjury? I could beat silly perjury charges. But no, actually it’s a pretty big deal. That said, this is a spurious investigation that the government should abandon before embarrassing themselves further.”

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Labels: Barry Bonds, indictment, law, Mike Rains, MLB, perjury, steroids

Posted on January 29th, 2008

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Other Related News Items

• Bonds indictment changed to include head growth, testicle shrinkage (May 15, 2008)
• Bonds indictment has headline writers breaking out the big wood (November 17, 2007)
• Bonds tells judge he’ll keep lawyers (December 21, 2007)
• Pedro Gomez still inexplicably standing outside Bonds’ house (August 15, 2008)

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