Big Tuna adds marine biologist to packed staff

MIAMI, FL — Bill Parcells announced Wednesday that he has added a marine biologist to the already packed staff that he has put in place for the Miami Dolphins.

Dr. Donald Johnson, who has a PhD in marine biology from South Florida University, has been added to the team’s front office with a focus on improving the working environment and productivity of the Dolphins.

The first task assigned to Johnson was to conduct a full examination of Parcells.

“I’m happy to announce that the Big Tuna is officially dolphin-safe,” Johnson said. “We took a look at him, and though he is a giant tuna, there is no evidence that any dolphins were harmed in the capturing of Mr. Parcells. Except Cam Cameron, of course, but he was never really a Dolphin anyway.”

Johnson will have other duties with the team, including teaching quarterback John Beck and running backs Ronnie Brown and Ricky Williams how to communicate in high-pitched whistles and clicks. He will also be charged with examining the Dolphin players as they interact naturally, in hopes of better understanding the way that they interact and perform. Finally, though no inroads have been made as yet, Parcells is hopeful that Johnson will be able to help some of the Dolphins use echolocation to their advantage.

“One of the things we’re working on doing is getting all of the Dolphins to move in the same formation, where we want them to, when we want them to,” Johnson said. “It’s not as easy as it might seem. Sure, Dolphins are smart – almost as smart as humans, so you can teach them a lot. But this group of Dolphins seems to be particularly difficult to get to move in the same direction.”

Parcells, who is notoriously difficult to work with, has already clashed one time with Johnson. “As a reward, I like to just give a little pat on the head,” Johnson said. “That has worked for me over the years. But Bill doesn’t agree. He’s insistent that after every successful exercise, we feed the Dolphins a dinner of fish pieces out of a dirty bucket. So we’re going to have to sort that out.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!