Bears’ Adrian Peterson admits to cloning evil twin

CHICAGO, IL — At a press conference this afternoon, Chicago Bears’ running back Adrian Peterson admitted that he cloned himself when he was a child.

“I was six,” the 28-year old Florida native told reporters. “It was one of those cereal box giveaways – you know, a free cloner in every box. It was probably Count Chocula. I used to love Count Chocula.”

The sixth year back out of Georgia Southern admitted to using the device to create Minnesota Vikings’ running back Adrian Peterson – “I didn’t know any better! I thought I was making a new friend, I didn’t think he’d turn out to be a diabolical younger version of myself.”

The two identical children lived out a short, complicated life together at the Peterson household, with both the original and the clone demanding to keep the name Adrian. “I tried to name him Optimus Prime or Bill, but he just kept yelling at me and poking me with a fork until I agreed to call him Adrian, too. That was the worst spring of my life – so much screaming.”

According to the original Adrian, the two children spent only two months together, and most of the time they fought over toys, what to watch on television, and who was going to ride the bike first. The final disturbance came in early May of 1985, as the boys went swimming together for the first and only time.

“I was having fun, playing a little gutterball, when all of a sudden he pulls me underwater,” the first Adrian said. “I nearly drowned! He told me he was joking afterward, but enough was enough – he had to go.”

A week later, the Adrian clone was sent to the Home for Evil Cloned Boys in Palestine, TX. “Yeah, they changed his face, made him believe he was actually born in 1985, even managed to get him to grow a few inches taller than me. They did everything they could to fully separate us. But they could never get him to change his name.

“I didn’t care – I never thought I’d see him again. Then all of a sudden he’s playing for the Vikings, and making my life miserable just like before. I mean, how did he get so much better than me?! We come from the exact same genes!”

The Viking’s Adrian Peterson declined to comment, but did cackle.