Weis eating all evidence of 3-9 season

SOUTH BEND, IN — Before dedicating himself completely to an offseason filled with recruiting and rebuilding, Notre Dame head football coach Charlie Weis felt that he needed to close the book on the debacle that was his 2007 season – or rather, to eat said book.

Early Tuesday, Weis began devouring everything on and around the Notre Dame campus that might remind him, his players, students or fans of the Fighting Irish’s disappointing 3-9 2007 season. Though the coach has not taken a break to speak about the daunting task he has undertaken, sources who have followed his progress expect him to finish some time this weekend.

“There’s no way to know for sure how much he’s eaten so far, but he does seem to have increased in size,” Notre Dame sophomore Billy O’Claren told SSNN. “I saw him heading from where the practice facility used to be towards the stadium, and he sank about two feet into the quad with each step. I mean, he always left pretty deep footprints – but never like this.”

At press time, Weis had eaten the playing surface at Notre Dame Stadium and was starting in on the scoreboard. Surprisingly, the university’s athletic director – Kevin White – is supporting his coach’s efforts.

“Much like Coach Weis, I have every reason to want to forget about this past season. It’s a blemish on our record, and if eating everything related to it is the only way to get it out of our heads, so be it,” White explained. “As long as he’s ready to patrol the sidelines next fall, I’m in full support of whatever it takes to win ballgames. I’m assuming he’ll just pop in for another bypass to deal with the added weight, but if he wants us to put a rolling platform on the sidelines for him, I’m open to something of that nature.”

Though none were willing to go on the record – or even admit to existing at all, in fact – several Notre Dame boosters contacted by SSNN seemed to share their AD’s confidence in their high-paid headman. There was one concern that White voiced, though he believed his bases were covered.

“We did remove Touchdown Jesus to a safe location, just in case Coach Weis forgets himself a bit. Outside of that, he can feel free to eat until he’s had his fill – or at least until spring practices start.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!