Selig expected to punish Cobb, investigate others

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Sources within MLB confirmed Commissioner Bud Selig will announce plans to suspend deceased Hall-of-Famer Ty Cobb for a reported 50 to 75 games as a result of repeated off-field transgressions. A laundry list of offenses – detailed in Volume 2 of Senator George Mitchell’s report – has been extensively reviewed by Selig and deemed worthy of league action. Cobb’s most notable offense in the report was being charged with consumption of alcohol during Prohibition in the summer of 1920. Sources recall Selig being visibly upset after seeing Cobb “boozing hard” in a graphic novel interpretation of the report (created by salaried Mitchell Report staffers). Alcohol is now legal in the United States, after the ratification of the 23^rd Amendment, which repealed the Prohibition act. Despite these facts, Selig has assured MLB league office employees that punishing everyone in the Mitchell Report is the only way to protect his legacy as commissioner. Other notable figures reportedly under investigation include Sandy Koufax, Babe Ruth and Lou Gherig, who reportedly ingested a now-banned substance as part of experimental treatment for ALS.

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!