Red Sox add Simmons to package for Santana

BOSTON, MA — According to sources within the organization, Boston Red Sox GM Theo Epstein is now willing to include ESPN.com columnist Bill Simmons – more popularly known as The Sports Guy – in a package deal that would land Minnesota Twins’ ace Johan Santana. Talks between the two clubs had broken down in recent weeks, and the prospect of Santana pitching in Fenway seemed far-fetched at best. But by including the witty and occasionally entertaining Simmons in the deal, the Sox may have finally made an offer the Twins can’t refuse. “People don’t realize what it means to have a homer like Bill Simmons rooting for your franchise, especially given the widespread exposure he has somehow tricked ESPN into giving him,” Epstein reportedly told confidants. “He always finds a way to mention his team – no matter what his column is about. Obviously, the Sox are at a point where many of the writers at ESPN do that – for the Twins, though, this could be a breakthrough.” Although not mentioned directly in the talks, the source assumed the Twins would also receive the priceless input of Simmons’ father and friends, who almost always make their way into his work. For his part, Simmons has pledged to submit a trading day diary – packed with nauseating anecdotes and not-so-obvious analogies – that will surely prompt a chuckle or two from Twins fans. “Clearly this proposal has tremendous upside,” Simmons told SSNN in a phone interview. “I’ve already done some preliminary research, and it’s clear to me the Twins need some of my patented East Coast bias treatment.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!