Phillies unveil new plan for Hamels

PHILADELPHIA, PA — Some thought that after losing Aaron Rowand to free agency, trading Michael Bourn and losing out on Torii Hunter and Andruw Jones, the Phillies might panic. Not so.

Instead of going after lesser talents like Darrin Erstad, the Phillies have concocted a new plan under which left-handed pitcher Cole Hamels will play center field while not pitching.

“Really, it’s a brilliant scheme,” said manager Charlie Manuel. “We’ll just have Cole play center on the days he’s not pitching. On the days that he is pitching, I mean, we’ll have Cole Freakin’ Hamels on the mound – the last thing we’ll need is a centerfielder.”

Hamels has not played center field since Little League, causing somes couts to blanch at the diea.

“The fact that he has not played center field since he was 11, that’s leading us to temper expectations a little, sure,” said Philly GM Pat Gillick. “We are only expecting him to hit about .350 with 44 homers and 145 RBI. He’ll also probably make an error, like on a fly ball in St. Louis in August or something. Hopefully he’ll make up for those poor performances with some of the 54 runners we are expecting him to throw out – but there will be some growing pains, obviously.”

Hamels, for his part, is taking his new role with the team seriously – “Now that I am being counted on to play every day, I am really ramping up my training. I asked for a book about hitting for Christmas, so I will definitely try and read that before the season. Also, I am thinking about stretching before the games. But then again, I don’t want to go overboard.”

The Phillies have also announced that as positions with the club become available, they are not going to fill them, but rather are going to expand Hamels’ duties. “Companies do this all the time,” Gillick explained to SSNN. “They save a ton of money that way. So we are going to do the same thing. Cole is our ace pitcher, our center fielder, Director of Marketing, and, as of next week, Head of Latin American Scouting. ¡Que fantastico! “