Pheidippides runs to Athens, announces victory, urges end to competitive running

ATHENS, GREECE — During his 26.2 mile run from Marathon to Athens, Pheidippides had a lot of time to think.

The Greek soldier, dispatched from Marathon to tell the Athenians of the Greek army’s defeat of Persian forces, is reputed to have proclaimed “Masters! Victory is ours!” just before his sudden death.

However, new information has come to light, shedding some doubt on this historical explanation. Apparently, the widely-accepted story – which gave birth to the modern marathon – is true, but incomplete. As it turns out, Pheidippides had thought of a few more things he wanted to say.

“Yeah, that’s not how it went down at all,” said Cimon, one of the senators in attendance when Pheidippides came bursting in. “Sure, he said ‘Victory is ours.’ But he also said, ‘That is fucking stupid. I hope nobody ever runs 26 miles at one time again. It’s really dangerous. I’m feeling a little nauseous.’ Nobody ever tells that part of the story, though.”

According to Cimon, before dying, an out-of-breath Pheidippides spent several hours opining on how ridiculous running is, especially running without purpose. “I mean, in this case, I’m conveying crucial information,” he said. “But in the future, when things aren’t as urgent, will people still run? Sure, it’s great exercise, but c’mon – there’s got to be a better way.”

Cimon does not think Pheidippides would approve of the modern sport of marathon running.

“He would not be happy about these developments at all,” Cimon said. “That day that he ran those 26 miles, that was pretty much the worst day of his life. Or at least tied with the day he broke his arm repairing the third column of the Parthenon.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!