PGA relieved Woods not making any golf-related resolutions

JUPITER, FL — Relief washed over the PGA Saturday morning, when it was announced that Tiger Woods’ New Year’s resolutions do not have anything whatsoever to do with improving his golf game.

Rather, Woods announced that he’ll focus on family and other sorts of lifestyle issues, and leave golf to chance.

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“I made three New Year’s resolutions this year,” Woods said. “First, to be the best father I can be to Sam Alexis. Second, to at least once a month do something really special for Elin (Nordegren, his wife). Finally, I’m going to try and finish The Kite Runner before I see the movie.”

These sorts of resolutions are unusual for Woods, who in the past has primarily focused on golf and career in his resolutions. Previous years’ commitments have included winning the Masters; improving his core fitness; bitching Phil Mickelson all over the country; and, in 1999, more fist-pumping.

“Thank God about this,” said Vijay Singh, who has been chasing Woods in the standings for several years. “Tiger is making enough of a mockery of the golfing world without actually trying to get better. I was hoping his New Year’s resolution would be to retire. I called him the other day, I told him, ‘Your kid will grow up fast, you’ll blink and you’ll miss it – maybe you want to think about spending some more time at home.’ He didn’t listen, though. So I guess this is the next best thing.”

Unfortunately for Singh and other PGA participants, Woods called SSNN just before press time to say he is rethinking his resolutions.

“I’m thinking about switching out resolution number two – the one about my wife,” Woods said. “I might change it to ‘Focus on golf.’ I know, I know – it’s sorta like, ‘been there, done that.’ But I’ve got a family to support now. I need to be a bit more aggressive, wouldn’t you agree?”