Parcells confident his man boobs won’t distract Dolphins

MIAMI, FL — Legendary NFL head coach Bill Parcells insists his unsightly man boobs – otherwise known as “bitch tits” – will not become a distraction to the Miami Dolphins.

“Absolutely not,” Parcells said. “These are grown men. They all know what breasts look like. My man-bags are no different than the titties on a fat bitch. We’re focused on winning and turning this organization around – PERIOD.”

Last week, Dolphins owner Wayne Huizenga surprised many by hiring Parcells, who agreed to oversee all football operations for the team after taking a year off from football to be an analyst. In the world of professional football, few (if any) men have a track record of building winners like the two-time Super Bowl champion.

“Bill is one of the greatest football minds of all time,” Huizenga told reporters. “Sure, he might have a weight problem, and a C–cup breast size – but that doesn’t change the fact that the Giants, Patriots, Jets and Cowboys all became winners when he took hold of the reigns.”

Parcells’ first order of business as the team’s new top dog is deciding on a quarterback, after which he intends to, “shop for quick dry, double-stitched dress shirts to handle Miami’s high humidity levels.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!