Mitchell Report more entertaining than Minority Report

NEW YORK CITY, NY — In spite of the fact that it’s a 409-page document that must be downloaded as a PDF from ESPN.com, an independent study has determined that the Mitchell Report is indeed much more interesting than the blockbuster film Minority Report.

“It’s a little astounding at first, but we’ve confirmed that the information we’ve received is valid,” said former Senator George Mitchell, whose team authored the Mitchell Report. “Our report is indeed much more interesting than that movie. After you think about it for a while, it’s not that far-fetched. The movie has Tom Cruise – we have Jose Canseco, who is sort of the Tom Cruise of baseball, all the way down to the rumors of homosexuality. The movie has Steven Spielberg up in everybody’s business, constantly causing problems for everyone with whom he comes into contact. Sounds like Bud Selig, right?”

In the findings of the analysis, many believe that the Mitchell Report outdoes Minority Report in a number of categories, including anxiousness of anticipation, actually being about something real, not being entirely about a dream, and not relying on having a Ph.D in metaphysics to really get what is going on.

“I mean, I read the Mitchell Report while sitting at my desk at lunch,” said John Martin, 24, of Lexecon Worldwide, a consultancy in Boston. “It was awesome – highly entertaining. Meanwhile, I’ve seen Minority Report twice and I’m still not sure what the hell is going on. I remember being very confused when it ended, and there was a week when I kept thinking I could see the future.”

Further defending his product, Mitchell pointed out that while the movie and the steroids analysis seem to run neck-and-neck at certain points, the depth of the Mitchell Report ultimately takes the cake.

“After Cruise and Spielberg, what else does the movie have?” he asked. “Colin Freaking Farrell? I mean, we’ve got Barry Bonds. We’ve got Andy Pettitte. We’ve got Roger Clemens – the guy has seven Cy Young Awards. I’m not even sure if Colin Farrell has won seven awards in his whole life – and that’s counting the ‘Clean Plate Award’ and the ‘Banged Britney Spears Award,’ neither one of which, I assure you, are recognized by MLB. Nor do they have particularly high standards.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!