Juan Pierre not named in Mitchell Report

LOS ANGELES, CA — While many around baseball expressed consternation and dismay over the release of the Mitchell Report – George Mitchell’s in-depth investigation of steroid use in baseball – Los Angeles Dodgers brass let out a sigh of relief when they discovered that fleet-footed outfielder Juan Pierre is not among the players named as users of performance-enhancing drugs. “Sure, we were a little on edge,” said one club official, speaking on the condition of anonymity. “It’s not like we had any hard evidence to suggest Juan was involved with PEDs, but I think the stats speak for themselves. It would be hard to witness his power surge from 2004-06 and not be a little suspicious.” After hitting only four total homers in his first four seasons, Pierre exploded for eight over the course of the three years in question. Steroid speculation was further fueled by his inability to hit a single homer in 2007, despite playing all 162 games. “Listen – we know that not being named by Mr. Mitchell doesn’t completely exonerate Juan. But it sure does put our minds at ease.”

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It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!