Henry Clay settles vicious fantasy league dispute

WASHINGTON, D.C. — A debate that threatened to tear apart the very fabric of the Lindsay Lohan Fantasy Football Association has been narrowly averted, due to a tremendous compromise engineered by noted Senator and diplomat Henry Clay.

“Yeah, the future of the LLFFA was in jeopardy, no question,” said commissioner Robert Center. “There was a bad, sort of no-win situation. One of the combatants wouldn’t speak to me at all, and the other guy was saying that he was going to cut all of his players and quit on the spot. I really didn’t know what to do.”

The dispute centered around John Marshall, 22, owner of We Are Marshall, who waived Domanick Davis (on a five-year contract) before the draft, due to the fact that Davis was not on an NFL team. Marshall contended that the move was perfectly legal and that it was within his rights to cut Davis with no penalty, even though he could not deny being the selfsame moron who gave a five-year contract (at $54) to Davis in the first place.

John Mitcham, owner of Mitcham’s Mayhem, did not agree, probably since he is mired in a seven-year contract for Julius Jones (at $66), whom he can’t cut because Jones is still technically on a team, even though he receives only about seven carries per game. To make matters worse, the two owners are bitter rivals and perennial championship contenders – though it’s anyone’s guess as to how given their propensity for miserably bad contracts.

“I was up a creek,” Center said. “No clue as to what to do. Then I thought of Henry. I mean, Henry’s nickname is ‘The Great Compromiser,’ and he’s got a strong reputation for being an extremely fair trader. He practically saved the United States on a couple of occasions, so I figured he could help us through this rough patch.”

Indeed, Clay was able to rise to the occasion. Using the formula that won him so much initial acclaim, he determined that Marshall would be allowed to cut Davis, but that he would pay a penalty of 20 draft dollars. Further, Clay stipulated that Marshall would have to rename his team “The Domanick Davis Nation” for the balance of the season.

“Like every major compromise, neither party is happy and neither is sad,” Clay told SSNN. “But both are satisfied, which is the ultimate result we were seeking. The competitive balance of the league is intact. Mitcham’s Mayhem will be a championship contender this year. The Domanick Davis Nation will have a chance to rebuild, but this chance will not come without a price.”

Clay also announced that he is hoping to tackle some other major LLFFA issues in need of compromise, including whether or not to reward players for touchdowns of 50 yards or more, if tight ends should be allowed as FLEX players, and the all-time debate of whether an auction or a draft is better.

“In every case, the issues are different,” Clay said. “But at the end of the day, the most important factor is ensuring the ongoing sanctity and prosperity of this wondrous institution that we call fantasy football, and the particular instance of that institution known as the LLFFA.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!