Goodell: Redskins, Bears must both try to win

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Charting new territory even for himself, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell has sent an urgent memo to both the Washington Redskins and the Chicago Bears on the morning of their Thursday Night Football matchup.

“I want both teams in this week’s game to do everything in your power to win the game,” Goodell wrote. “It’s unacceptable to simply try not to lose, and it is doubly unacceptable to actually try to lose.”

Goodell later told reporters that there was no concrete evidence that these teams were trying to lose, but that certain circumstances had “piqued his interest.”

“You’ve got Joe Gibbs calling back-to-back timeouts,” Goodell said. “You’ve got the Bears defense making Eli Manning look like Moses. What more can you say?”

Goodell has instituted a series of performance incentives to encourage the teams late in the game. The awards include “Least boneheaded coaching move,” “Best effort by a defensive back,” and “Fewset bad passes.” The team that wins the most awards will receive “a very high draft pick in 2008,” according to Goodell. How that pick will be allotted and exactly what number pick it will be are yet to be determined.

“The NFL is excited about this new era,” Goodell said. “We think our fans will be as well. Imagine how exciting the games could be if both teams are trying to win!”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!